Foolishly Devoted 2

Ajai

“Come on, Cadence. Your grandma wants us to go to church together today, so we have to hurry so we won’t be late.”

I noticed the sad look he had on his face all morning. He had been pouting and dragging his feet all over the house since he woke up. He always acted like this whenever it was time for him to go back to mama’s. Up until this point, I haven’t mentioned anything to him about living with me permanently because I didn’t want to get his hopes up high just yet. I still needed to talk to mama about my plans because it was important that we came together on this instead of her fighting me.

“Listen baby. It’s not often that we get to go to church together as a family so let’s make the best of this time. We have to appreciate and cherish these moments ok?” I thought of my granny as I looked down at him lovingly.

It wasn’t easy, but I finally got him and his bag to the car, even though he continued to cut up. As soon as I opened the door, I caught a whiff of the strong floral aroma and remembered the rose that someone left on my windshield that was still sitting in the front seat. The split second I glanced at the wilted rose I left it in the car without a thought all weekend, Cadence started sniffling. My attention went to him immediately as I buckled him into his seat, abandoning the rose once again.

He didn’t say anything as he wrapped his arms around my neck. I kissed his forehead after he released me out of his chokehold so I could finally get down the road.

“What’s the matter?” I looked up at the rear-view mirror quickly before I merged onto the freeway.

“Why can’t I stay with you?”

His whiny voice damn near broke me in half. It was a question that I always hoped he would never ask because I didn’t have a real answer that he would’ve understood. My plan was to get him back before he was old enough to start asking these tough questions, but I was a year behind the goal I set for myself due to my financial setbacks. How do you explain to your child that he was living with his grandmother because I lost my shit after I discovered that the man I thought was my everything wasn’t shit, and how scared I was to take care of him because of his illness that kept me out of work when I couldn’t afford to be? Not to mention the medical bills that kept piling up higher than I was able to keep up with all while mama was on my ass, constantly threatening to get the courts to take him away from me.

Looking back on all of the decisions I made, I realized that I didn’t have to do any of this alone. Cannon was fully capable of taking care of his son, but I couldn’t think past my own emotional pain so I selfishly struggled when I didn’t have to. I couldn’t help but wonder how much different life would be for us if he was still around.

So much time has passed, I didn’t even know what to say to Cannon at this point. I was terrified to find out if he hated me for disappearing or if he even cared since he had another family. My bruised ego had me believing things that didn’t make sense and had me messing up my kid. Gina loved to remind me how much she didn’t agree with how I dipped on Cannon and cut ties to the point where he wasn’t in Cadence’s life at least. Especially since my dumb ass was always giving Da’Wan another chance to fuck up, but she continued to support me and my decisions anyway.

“Baby, it’s complicated, but trust me when I tell you that I’m working on making some changes soon.”

He didn’t say anything at first as he looked out the window, so I thought his line of questioning was over. Well, at least I hoped and prayed that my answer was good enough for us to be done with this conversation for now.

As the silence lingered, I turned on the KidzBop station for him and drifted off into my own thoughts. If I was about to chicken out of talking to mama about our arrangements before today, I damn sure couldn’t now.

“Mommy, I don’t think I can be grandma’s hero. I’m scared I’m not gonna do it right.”

Caught off guard, yet somewhat confused, I looked up into the rearview mirror again so I could see his face before I switched lanes.

“What are you talking about sweetie?”

“Grandma taught me how to call 9-1-1 and told me what to tell them if she’s still sleeping after I wake her up. She told me that I’ll be her little hero. What if I don’t do it right and she doesn’t wake up after I call the lady at 9-1-1?”

Everything he said bought tears to my eyes immediately, temporarily blinding me. I didn’t see the semi-truck make an unsafe lane change and swerve right in front of me.

SCREEEECH! WHAM!